- Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything elsest arts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.
- You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
- Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
- Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darnedest time for a guy to get those odds?
- You know you're getting on in years when the women at the office start confiding in you.
- Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
- By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
- Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.
- A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
- Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
- You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
- At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.
- Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
- You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
- You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know it till the 4th of July.
- You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
- The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
- Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
- You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.
- It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
- You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
- Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
- I don't date women my age. There aren't any. (Milton Berle)
- The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired.
(Milton Berle)
- Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.
