42.7 percent of all statistics are made upon the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted,then used against you.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever -so far so good.
Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Wisdom - same thing.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
